Greetings – or should I say ‘Seasons Greetings’?
Yes! Its ‘that time again’ – as we go through December when your Human(s) seem to get increasingly excited, stressed, worried, fraught, tired and irritated, all for the build up to having ‘A Good Christmas’…
So, in light of this, and to make it a good one for all and (most importantly) ourselves, I would like to give a few points of advice, that I hope will help towards this and ensure the festivities go smoothly and safely!
Treats at Christmas…
Dear Humans, please remember, that whilst we will appreciate (and expect by right, of course) tit bits and other choice offerings (turkey, chicken, goose, beef, ostrich, salmon etc.) – if you do give them to us, can you make sure they have no spicing and are in cut into small pieces, and given in small amounts, so we Felines can avoid that popular Human Yuletide sport called ‘indigestion’ – and lets not even go near something called, ahem, ‘wind’…
And, just as importantly, please make sure there are no bones at all, as these can splinter and break and cause all kinds of damage and even choking – which would definitely not make Christmas a ‘good one’.
That brown delicious sweet stuff…
Now, we Cats know its meant to be a time for giving – (as in giving in to temptation!) and one of the greatest your Human may succumb to is Chocolate… and to ease their guilt, they may be tempted to try to share some of this stuff with ourselves.
This my Feline friends, is to be rejected utterly (in our full and imperial fashion), for this is potentially very dangerous for us as chocolate contains (science bit follows) caffeine and an alkaloid called theobromine, which our systems cannot digest, and our livers cannot process properly and therefore could lead to sickness, severe reactions or even poisoning- so please, NO chocolate – not even if it’s mouse shaped!!
Best not to get tipsy…
And again for the same reasons above, not a drop of Alcohol should be taken, my fellow Felines, as it only takes a very small amount to poison us – so please, dear Humans, ensure any glasses of such are kept away from us, as we don’t want to fulfil the old saying about curiosity, and what it did to the Cat, do we?
Putting up the decorations…
And now let us turn our attention to decorations… Yes, agreed, we do like to, ahem, ‘help’ with the sorting out, though strangely, climbing in the boxes, rummaging about in the tinsel and practice hunting the end of the fairy lights as your Human drags them about in an attempt to unknot them, is not regarded as ‘helpful’ – as is testing the stability of the Christmas tree, by the application of a classic Feline body slam – I mean honestly, how else can one assess whether a tree is stable and safe to be left unattended, unless its subjected to some form of stress test (and I mean the tree, not your Human!)?
Don’t forget our presents!
Finally, please may I remind all Humans that whilst we do appreciate (at least for about 10 seconds) any new toys and amusements presented, can we request that prior to purchase they are checked for any small parts that may come adrift, such as eyes, legs or tails, as these could also present a choking hazard, and if found to be less than robust, these attachments are removed prior to being given… and that includes those strange things (besides the jokes) that appear out of something called a ‘cracker’, please ensure any that may drop or fly to the floor are collected quickly, we do understand that small plastic dice, or clip on plastic moustaches have little nutritional value, but are quite tempting as knock about toys, and to swallow, so better safe than sorry, yes?
Christmas Day…
After all, I’m sure your Humans wouldn’t want to be spending Christmas taking us to the vets – and would much prefer spending time with their own litter, exploring the joys of overeating, overdosing on (or rejecting) strange things called ‘brussels’, playing ‘find the spare chair’ for the dinner table, complaining about the (lack of) quality of Tee-Vee programmes, but insisting on following tradition by watching the 1977 Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special, nonetheless…
Adhere to the advice above, my fellow Felines (and Humans) and we can all have a good time I’m sure – and so it gives me much pleasure to wish you all…
A Merry Christmas and a Hopeful and Happy New Year!
Happy Purring ’til next time,
Gollum